I wish I knew the secret that genuinely happy couples have in keeping a strong lifelong relationship. Because twice in my life, I thought I had it – but just when everything seemed hunky dory, established, and bonafide good – a switch is pulled, I’m thrown off my feet, and I have to do the longest double take to realize what the fuck just happened.
Where is this Holy Grail knowledge of all non-platonic relationships? How do you not get tired of the same incessant petty problems in a relationship? How do you prevent men from getting too comfortable and letting themselves go (and thus, become more and more like Jabba the Hutt)?
The man you were once losing sleep over is now an overgrown child who ate all of your secret chocolate stash behind your back. Then when you get mad, he’ll get mad at the fact that you’re mad at him as if you’re the one who has done something wrong.
Soon instead of getting spooned, you are asked to be the spooner. Wait a year or so until he asks you to sleep alone on your side while he sleeps on the other side. Maybe if things turn out worse, you’ll get twin double beds like the Ricardos. God, he’s snoring again. Where is the off switch??
Part of me blames the whole manchild genre of films popularized by Judd Apatow and his crew. Remember when the every day all American male was idealized in Hank Fonda or Jimmy Stewart? Golly, self-sufficient men.
Well, hell, it’s all Jason Segel and Seth Rogen types now. Don’t get me wrong, I had a phase during my college days when I had the absolute hots for Jason Segel – but how exactly is being a slob sexy? Non-threatening and relatable maybe – but sexy in a Christian Grey-like piercing into your soul and making you melt kind of way? No – never.
I want a man who knows how to do his own laundry and who doesn’t ask me things like, “If I throw this in, the stain will wash out by itself, right?” (Wash your own poo stains, dude!) I want a man who knows that in order to hand wash dishes, you do not put the dish detergent on the plates directly, but you have to put the concentrated detergent on the sponge in order to washes les dishes. Those two things and knowing that insulting any female family members is a deal breaker as well as never ever joking about rape are four basic criteria for not driving me crazy in a long term relationship – that’s not too much to ask for, is it? I have enough trouble trying to take care of myself, so how am I supposed to do that when I have to mother a grown man? I don’t want something Oedipal going on here.
For now, in the unattached state that I am in, I want to see how long this manless period will last for. Pray that it will last for at least 2 – 3 months, please.
- toodles! -